I received an interesting piece of mail today that I would have sent through the shredder under usual circumstances, but circumstances being what they were (sheer boredom) I decided to look more closely at the envelope from St. Matthew's Churches. Before you see the letter you must be aware of the surface upon which it was placed, because I chose it expressly. The letter was placed, under the most celestial bathroom lighting, on the toilet.
Here it is:
First, I tried making sense of the illustrated cross, which, I assume, indicates the specific areas of said cross from which one might derive more joy, love, and peace. I then tried to remember who St. Matthew was, but decided it wasn't important in the end and looked at the back of the envelope.
Well, that's nice, I guess. Although I'd be somewhat peeved at the assumption that I weren't already blessed and "helped [...] in [his] holy name". Whatever. I decided to open the damn thing.
The first paper that emptied into my palm was this:
I'd like to order the "continuous money blessing", please, with extra Madisons on the side.
Now for the good stuff. I saw these fun warnings next.
So I opened it.
It's a long, boring bunch of gibberish, ending with a cited passage, Joel 2:28,29. I found many Google search results for this passage, and none of them had anything to do with the content in the "sealed prophecy". Did I mention Joel 2:28,29 is only two sentences long
Now that I've unsealed the prophecy, onward to...
...whatever this is supposed to be.
Jesus looks a bit threatened by that gigantic, disembodied, crucifix-wielding hand. There's some text beside this image that reads, "blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, and by the way, you can get your very own threatening cross."
Of course I think St. Mark's Churches (est. 1951) are trying to sell me something, but wait!
It says it's FREE! In fact, every piece of paper mentions the free "prosperity cross" about a dozen times. In fact, there's an entire sheet filled with testimonials of people who received the FREE! cross and became apartment building owners, gas station proprietors, cancer survivors, and bad habit kickers.
I want in on this. It's always been my dream to own a gas station. And I will get the opportunity to test two things:
- Whether or not the cross really is FREE! or what else might be required to actually receive it
- Whether or not the cross works
I wonder how this will work when the postcard, if you'll kindly look back at it, has no place for my address, only my name. I'm guessing they'll pull up a detailed background check on me using that barcode and send St. Mark missionaries knocking at my door.
I'm going to request the "continuous money blessing" under a fake name, drop it in the mail box, and see what happens.
I'll let you know when and if I receive a prosperity cross.
And if I get the cross, I'll let you know if I receive any financial fortune.
Wish me well!
As of today, March 9th, I've yet to receive any trinket or other correspondence from St. Matthew's Churches. Just as well.
Nevertheless, I have devised an experiment with a cross pendant my parents gave me years ago. I placed the cross in my purse this morning. It will remain there until Friday. I spoke to the cross before putting it in my purse, giving it fair warning that it has 5 days to perform any miracle or grant me uncommon good luck through the power of Christ or the Holy Trinity or whatever divine source fuels it. If, within these 5 days, the cross fails to perform a miracle or good deed that cannot be attributed to anything but the cross, then I will know the power of Christ does not compel it.
So far, nothing extraordinary has happened, save perhaps that I managed to arrive at work on time for a change. 7:00 a.m. on the button.
I'll keep you updated.