Let me just clarify, that this is not the first time I had thoughts like this. I was a Catholic for 18 years, stop believing that after that time.When I was 25 I contemplated on the faith of deism in the past, but eventually found no evidence to support it, so declared myself an atheist again.
I was in a strange sort of humour the other night and just out of curiosity I prayed just to see what would happen. I asked god to give me stretch to believe to show me a sign that he is there, to give me the wisdom to know that he is there. I told god I know that he cannot show me testable evidence and I accept that. I feel asleep moments after that. But hours later I awoke to a light tapping on my arm that lay outside my bedcovers. It was almost like a gentle but firm tapping of someones hand. Btw, I lock my room at night. I thought maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. But was it? Did I just feel the hand of God?
Please be aware I am very open to the strong possibility that my mind was indeed playing tricks on me. But honestly, I just don't know what to believe or not to believe now. Please don't be mean or harsh to me about this. If I am wrong in what I say here, I'll accept that given reason
Am I losing my mind though? I just need a perspective from non-beleivers to look at all possibilities here.
On the contrary, your perspective is very much appreciated. Although I don't think I'm trying to figure out what I "want" to be necessarily, I was just trying to figure out what makes sense to me to most. I'm more concerned about what most likely is, rather than what I want to be.
Apart from that minor detail, your perspective was actually very helpful. Thank you for your kind words Rick, I really do appreciate it
Strange things can occur during hypnogogic and hypnopompic states. I have experienced very powerful hallucinations many times during the latter state in which I can clearly see and hear things which simply are not there. Usually it's people in my room for various reasons. Even sitting upright in bed with my eyes open, I tend to remain convinced I can see people even though I cannot. I am my brain, and when my brain says something is there, to me it's there. On one occasion my rational mind kicked in fast enough to realize I was hallucinating before the images had entirely disappeared into the darkness. Even though I knew it wasn't real, it felt real and my anger was real, so I shouted at them to fuck off all the same.
The basic phenomenon is not so uncommon. If you look up 'hypnogogic hallucinations' or similar phrases, I'm sure you'll find more info. Maybe it accounts for your experience.
Barely a week goes by where I don't sit up, get up, reach out, grope or talk in my sleep. I don't always remember doing it, but when I do it's clear as day. Whether it's bugs, an intruder, a critter or whatever, my mind imagines it with a usually frightful reality. My guess is your mind is just as mysterious and complex as mine, and everyone else's.
God is playing devious games with you. That's the way he is lol. (just kidding - I don't believe in god).
Tell him to leave me alone. Disturbing me during my beauty sleep. Who does he think he is? jk haha
You sound sane; confused, hopeful, introspective, maybe frightened, but entirely sane.
Muscle spasm... Did you by any chance look under the covers and see what it was?
My arm was lying outside the covers lol, but I have come to the conclusion that nothing supernatural occurred after all.
All kinds of possible explanations. Including, actually, the possibility that God made your brain and body and the natural world in such a way that when you need it, you can find paths to answers that you seek.
The important part is to keep seeking with an open mind.
Or slightly more likely, you were touched by the FSM's noodly appendage.
That must be it :)